Easily the most famous character duo from the Fast Show’s repertoire, The Ted and Ralph series of sketches almost rose to become a sort of mini drama for loyal fans towards the end of the show’s run. The two characters were creations of the writing pair of Hugh Linehan and Arthur Mathews and the sketch is taken from the usual Fast Show premise of combining strange characters with equally strange circumstances.

 

The heir to his father’s land in the country, Ralph is a modest and shy aristocrat, who strives to see the positive side in everything, and aims to be as polite as possible to his lower class gardener and maintenance man, Ted.

 

Ralph lives alone in his mansion, without a wife or children, and there are some doubts as to the nature of his sexuality. Ted has been the caretaker for the estate for as long as Ralph can remember, being previously employed by Ralph’s harsh parents. He is an elderly man who leads a simple life that involves occasionally drinking with his friends in the village pub and going home for tea to ‘‘Mrs. Ted”. There is an underlying theme running throughout each sketch that hints that Ralph has strong feelings for Ted, but is too shy and reserved to express them.

 

One particularly famous sketch goes as follows; Ted is painting the post of a fence.

 

Ralph – “Good morning Ted! I see… eh… you painted the gate?”*

Ted – “A fox got in with a chicken sir.”*

Ralph – “Ah. Yes…… Are you… doing anything (gulp) on Friday Ted?”*

Ted – ‘Well eh, there’s plenty to do down in the lower field sir. What with the drainage problems.”*

 

Ralph – “Eh n-n…no, you miss understand me Ted I did mean… in the evening. It’s just that I have a (cough!) couple of tickets for Tina Turner.”*

Ted – “Oh right sir.”*

Ralph – “Do you like Tina Turner, Ted?”*

Ted – “Well…. I wouldn’t know about that sir.”*

 

As Ralph walks away, Ted begins whistling Tina Turner’s “River Deep, Mountain High”.

 

Another famous sketch begins with Ralph lost in a daydream when he sees Ted slowly moving through the sun-drenched fields, beating the tall grass of the meadow with his stick, set to a romantic classical piece. Ralph is out hunting with an associate of gentlemanly stature, who treats Ted like a low-life farmhand. Noticing his accent he comments on his Irish heritage – “Oh be gorrah, he’s a bloody bogtrotter!”* He continues to insult Ted to the point where Ralph jumps completely out of character, screaming “LEAVE HIM ALONE! LEAVE HIM ALONE!”* as he does his flimsy best to violently attack the man.

 

The popularity of Ted and Ralph was so big that they were the first Fast Show characters to appear outside the programme, when they starred in their own made-for-TV film for the BBC in 1998. The main plot in the film follows Ted trying to save Ralph from an arranged marriage as well as trying to save the estate from being passed on into the hands of his future wife.

 

* quoted from The Fast Show/ Ted and Ralph