Acorn Antiques started on the “Victoria Wood – As seen on TV” show in 1985. The main inspiration behind the sketch was the cheap and not so cheerful ‘Crossroads’ (a sleepy soap opera, which ran on ITV) as well as the old radio soap, ‘Waggoner’s Walk’. Acorn Antiques became famous for its blatantly unrealistic story lines and shoddy sets (a dig aimed at TV soaps like ‘Eastenders’ and ‘Coronation Street’).

The sketch followed the day to day lives of four sales assistants at an antiques store in the fictional town of ‘Manchesterford’. ‘Miss Babs’, played by Celia Imrie, was the lovelorn owner of the shop, who would start off the sketch with an outlandish plotline, which never actually materialises!

Miss Babs is waited hand on foot by the shop’s maid ‘Mrs. Overall’ – an elderly old woman who always carries a tea tray and is played by Julie Walters. Miss Babs is always so distracted by her own affairs that she forgets to ask about whatever crisis is occurring in Mrs. Overall’s life:

Miss Babs – “Gosh! I AM awful. Here I am blabbering away about my own troubles and I forgot to ask you about your husband’s car crash.”*

Mrs. Overall (anxious) – “Oh he’s dead Miss Babs. Yes, in fact I was going to ask you if I could have a couple of hours off on Thursday for the funeral.”*

Miss Babs – “Of course (facetiously). Just pop back at 5 for the hovering.”*

Miss Berta (played by Victoria Woods) is the one character that attracts all the crazy plot lines, not that she lets her troubles get to her in any way. She begins the series coming out of a hospital only to discover that her father, who is said to have been murdered, has been seen in the local post office. She later discovers that she is the daughter of Mrs. Overall and the mother of an unknown child.

The other characters in the sketch are Trixie (a tarty young female, who later finds out she is Miss Babs’ daughter), Derek the handyman, who turns out to be Miss Berta’s twin and Clifford, who tries to woo Babs, but only to have his advances rejected.

Acorn Antiques continued to satirise to less than convincing production values of TV dramas, with Crossroads coming consistently under fire. The ‘cabaret keyboard’ sound of the theme tune and the wobbly credits were directly influenced by the soap.

To reference Crossroads even more, they also performed Acorn Antiques as if it was filming live, where the deplorable mistakes and miscues made the sketch famous. There were real awkward moments at the end of the sketch – showing the actors standing around with nothing to do while the cameras kept rolling!

In 2005, Victoria Wood turned Acorn Antiques into a full musical, which had a massive sell-out run on the West End. The stage performance included some of the original actors and actresses such as Julie Walters, Celia Imrie and Duncan Preston as Mr. Clifford. Celia Imrie’s performance won her the ‘Olivier’ award for ‘Best Performance in a Supporting Role’.

* quoted from Victoria Wood – As seen on TV/ Acorn Antiques

This is pure classic ‘Two Ronnies’. The ‘Four Candles’ sketch is so simple and so obvious, but it is delivered so well that even the worst puns that are thrown in get a laugh from the audience. Ronnie Corbett and Ronnie Barker performed this sketch in September 1976, on their ‘Two Ronnies’ show on BBC1.

The sketch was previously given the titles of ‘The Hardware Shop’ and ‘Annie Finkhouse’ and was written by Ronnie Barker, under his pseudonym, ‘Richard Whiley’. Funnily enough, the inspiration came from a hardware shop in Middlesex, where after the owners had a series of misunderstandings with one of their customers, they thought it would be a good idea to send in their experience for a theme of a sketch.

The skit on this real life scenario starts with Barker posing as a builder who walks into his local hardware store. Corbett is the shopkeeper:

Barker – “Four Candles!”*

Corbett – “Four Candles?”*

Barker – “Four Candles.”*

Corbett retrieves a box from behind the counter, takes out four candles and puts them down on the counter.

Barker – “No, four candles!”*

Corbett (slightly annoyed) – “Well there you are, four candles!”*

Barker – “No, fork ‘andles! ‘Andles for forks!”*

After the initial gag, the rest of the sketch follows the exact same pattern with different items in the shop. Barker asks for ‘plugs’, but Corbett, realising that this could mean any one of numerous objects he sells, asks, “Plugs. What kind of plugs?”* “A rubber one, bathroom”* is the reply. “What size?” he asks, to which Barker replies, “Thirteen Amp!”*

Barker, who is putting on a thick rural accent, then asks for “’oes!” Corbett grabs a hoe, then a hose and finally pantyhose but neither one of them is what he is looking for:

Barker – “No, no, ‘O’s! ‘O’s for the gate. Mon repose! ‘O’s! Letter O’s!”*

Corbett – “Letter O’s! (underneath his breath) You had me going there!”*

Corbett climbs up a stepladder; takes a box full of letters down from a high shelf and begins searching through it for letter O’s:

Corbett – “How many d’you want?”*

Barker – “Two.”*

He gets back up on the ladder and puts the box away.

Corbett – “Yes, next?”*

Barker – “Got any P’s?”*

The sketch ends with Barker asking for ‘billhooks’, which Corbett misinterprets as something entirely different, leaving it up to the audience’s discretion as to what it means! Ronnie Barker later changed the end of the sketch as he felt the ‘billhooks’ innuendo bit at the end spoiled it, as it was a bit too crude.

The ‘Four Candles’ sketch has gone down in the history books as one of the greatest sketches to be performed on UK television. It is a great example of the ‘Two Ronnies’ gift at word play, their most distinguished comic trait. A copy of the sketch, which was handwritten by Baker himself, appeared on the ‘Antiques Roadshow’ programme in 2006. He said that he may have donated the draft to charity at one point. The script recently sold for over 48,000 pounds at an auction in London.

* quoted from The Two Ronnies/ Four Candles sketch

The glam rock stalwarts, Slade, came a cropper of the bizarre comic duo, Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer, when they were a constant theme for celebrity annihilation throughout the BBC series, ‘The Smell of Reeves and Mortimer’. The show ran for two series on the BBC back in 1993.

Slade were such an easy target for sketch show comedians that it’s a surprise that they didn’t appear in something sooner! With over the top, provocative glam rock outfits, combined with thick ‘Brummy’ accents, they were a sitting duck for the next comedy writer who happened to pay attention to them.

In Vic and Bob’s ‘Slade in Residence’ Christmas Special, they have the four members sitting around the dinner table in their house on a typical Birmingham estate. They begin the sketch arguing whether drummer, Don Powell, saw Santa or not the previous night. (Very Spinal Tap!)

Vic and Bob are joined by Paul Whitehouse and Mark Williams (better known for their work on the Fast Show) and the group are dressed in the height of 70’s glam fashion. Vic, who plays Noddy Holder, has adorned the trademark ginger sideburns that stretch all the way down to edge of his chin as well as the equally iconic top hat and tartan suit. Other outfits on display include a sleeveless silver jumpsuit, an extra flash, shiny red blazer and an unaccompanied waist coat that’s revealing Don Powell’s hairless chest!

Bass player Jim (who takes on the mother role) tells them it’s time to open presents, which sends the rest of them into an ecstatic child-like frenzy. Among the presents there is a monster truck, a water pistol, and a pair of striped, platform slippers for Noddy: “Eh lads, I can’t thank ye enough these slippers are great!”*

Don tries out his water pistol by going over to an old portrait hanging on the wall, where ‘Ozzy Osbourne’, the greatest of all brummy rockers, is hiding. He pulls pack a hole in one of the eye’s and says hello, only to receive a squirt of water in return.

Then in walks ‘Simon le Bon (played by Charlie Higson). He is a very effeminate dandy who talks in a nice and civilized manner and, much to the annoyance of the rest, lets on to Jim that he is all polite and innocent when the rest of them know he is a sneaky, spoiled little brat! He breaks Dave’s Monster Truck and sprays the marigold centre piece on the table with Don’s water pistol.

After Jim catches him in the act, he grabs Simon by the arms and holds him up while Dave slaps him across the face and twists his nose (with the appropriate cliché sound effect). Don gets his revenge by smacking him on the head with a fry pan!

But the icing on the cake has yet to come. Ozzy bursts through the door, complaining that the water-in-the-eye gag caused him to smash his glass devil statue! When they all point at Simon, Ozzy gives him a good old fashioned loaf to the head!

* quoted from The Smell of Reeves and Mortimer/ Slade Christmas Special sketch

Vic and Bob, masters of the surreal and quite happy to take their sketches to new uncharted levels in comedy, took an ordinary and pleasant Sunday evening cookery programme, turned it on its head and twisted it into a bizarre concept in experimental alternative comedy.

The ‘Masterchef’ sketch appeared on ‘The Smell of Reeves and Mortimer’ in 1995, when the cookery programme, and both Vic and Bob were at the height of their popularity. Masterchef was hosted by the ‘characteristic’ Lloyd Grossman.

Lloyd was so easy to impersonate that he was one of the most mocked celebrities of the time, being an inspiration for comedy writers and supplying them with endless material.

In the sketch, Bob plays Lloyd Grossman and straps on a gigantic light bulb-shaped object to replicate Grossman’s large forehead. Although it is coloured a pale blue and is about three times the size of Grossman’s head!

What happens next is just freaky, but still funny. After introducing the show, he moves over to one of the contestants, not by walking as you would expect, but by taking off from the ground in his evil looking, pointed shoes and slowly gliding across the room, all to the sound of a ringing church bell!

The first contestant is ‘Jill Baptiste’, who is quite rough around the edges to say the least! She has created a face plate “in the form of Jesus Christ so people can learn about Jesus.”* It’s basically a smiley face with a sausage for a mouth, a tomato as its nose and two eggs for eyes. The ears turn out to be her own!

Then Lloyd moves or floats rather, over to the second chef, who presents a man’s bum cheeks on a plate, that just so happen to be connected to a man hiding underneath the table!

Last, but not least, is Bob, who plays contestant number 3 – hiding behind a thick moustache and a tartan suit. He presents his ‘Shoe Cake’. Vic goes for a sample but can’t cut it with his knife (which is attached to his index finger!) as it is a shoe! He says to the contestant, “It’s a shoe! Does this mean that I ate a pair of trousers in your restaurant last week?!!”*

Bob, playing an incredibly quick and nervous character tries to explain himself; “Cake Cake Cakey Trouser. It’s a trouser cake!”* He tries to hand him a mobile phone cake, but it interrupts his tasting when it starts ringing.

Contestant number two wins it at the end with his bum cheek delicacy, a dish which Lloyd can’t wait to get stuck into! A cheap gag, but it works!

This is the sort of sketch that some will love, some will hate – and most will definitely not understand. It is customary of Vic and Bob’s off the wall humour to leave their audience a bit bewildered, and the Masterchef sketch is a good example to prove it. Any fans of the wired, zany and plain ludicrous should definitely check it out!

* quoted from The Smell of Reeves and Mortimer/ Masterchef sketch

It would be hard to find a sketch that goes into such meticulous detail as this one from the classic comedy minds of Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise. The ‘Breakfast’ sketch put Morecambe and Wise into the annals of comedy history when it was performed on ‘The Morecambe and Wise Show’ in the early 70’s. It is one of the most choreographed and well rehearsed comedy sketches ever to appear on British Television, but in saying that, its easy to see that every move was tense and in danger of destroying the whole act!

The sketch starts with Eric and Ernie just out of bed and in the kitchen to start breakfast. They are dressed appropriately in dressing gowns, pyjamas and slippers. There is no dialogue in the whole sketch, just the soundtrack of the music to the Stripper (a well known big band piece composed by David Rose that has become synonymous with the striptease). An interesting choice, considering there is no stripping involved, but as the sketch moves on you can see why they chose it.

The whole sketch revolves around the two making breakfast in sync to the music. With the piece’s pronounced percussion sections, orchestra hits and brass sections, it works perfectly with every little action they do. Ernie starts off the sketch by throwing bread to Eric, which in time with the trumpet stabs in the first verse. The stops and starts in the tune are then highlighted when Eric throws Ernie two eggs to scramble – the throw signalling the brass section, and the breaking of the eggs signalling the hit on the triangle.

A hilarious moment in the sketch is when Ernie is scrambling the eggs in sync to the trumpet shrills, with his whole body shaking uncontrollably! Eric then lines up four grapefruits on the chopping board and proceeds to chop them wildly to the bang of the kettle drums. They then start to squeeze the juice out of them to the sound of the trumpet shrills!

Where the gag really works now is during the ‘Old Man River’ section of the piece. They grab empty grapefruit skins, put them over their mouths and start moving them along to the melody! Other gems in the act include Eric doing a spot of pancake tossing to the belching trombones and the toaster, of its own accord, popping out slices to the orchestra hits!

The stripper has been a common theme tune for many sketch shows. It has accompanied skits in ‘Monty Python’s Flying Circus’, ‘Little Britain’ and ‘The Benny Hill Show.’ In fact, it was Benny Hill who first used the scores lively, hit and stab rhythm, during his sketch at a strip show, which went out in the late 60’s.

Although Morecambe and Wise played a huge part in bringing the sketch to life, it was their long time writing partner, Eddie Braben, who was the main orchestrator of the act. It was actually Edie who scripted most of their material.

Andre Previn was at the receiving end for one of Morecambe and Wise’s classic sketches from their “Morecambe and Wise Show’ in the early 70’s. Previn is a famous pianist and composer and was then the main conductor for the London Symphony Orchestra. The sketch starts off with Ernie Wise introducing the act:

“And now ladies and gentleman the highlight of the evening, a truly great international star…Good evening!”*

Previn is accompanied by his orchestra on the stage, with Eric Morecambe taking the lead on the piano. Eric walks out onto the stage; “Is this the band? I’ve seen better bands on a cigar! “Where’s the piano? (Looking at the grand right beside him!) Never mind this will do.”*

The orchestra start playing the introduction to the ‘A minor Piano Concerto’ by Edvard Grieg, as Eric goes to take his position at the piano. The orchestra stop before he gets there and he complains to Previn that the introduction is too short – not giving him enough time to walk from the podium to his seat. He asks Eric how much longer it should be. “About this much” he says as he stretches his feet across the floor “About a yard”*

After another false start (Eric couldn’t see the conductor’s cue from behind the piano lid), the orchestra finish playing the introductory section. It’s now Eric’s turn to take over and he proceeds playing a folky piano rag. Here comes the classic gag:

Previn – “What…what were you playing there?”*

Eric – “Griegs ‘Piano Concerto’!”*

Previn – “You’re playing… you’re playing all the wrong notes!”*

Eric steps up out of his seat and grabs Previn by the lapels of his suit;

“I’m playing all the right notes….. but not necessarily…in the right order.”*

Previn then takes the seat at the piano to show him how it’s done. He starts to play the real solo to the ‘Piano Concerto’, performing the intro to the piece like a true professional. Once he is finished, there is a short moment of silence before Eric replies dismissively, “Rubbish!”*

Andre Previn did remarkably well to keep in character for the sketch, after only learning the script a short time before he got to the TV studio (on his way to the BBC television centre). Throughout the whole act, he holds onto his seriousness that Eric and Ernie wanted him to portray, after they told him that they must never think of what they are doing as being funny.

The sketch was an instant hit across the country, much to the misfortune of Previn, who became the butt of many jokes about his name, which Morecambe and Wise mispronounce all through the sketch, calling him “Pree-vin”, “Previt” and “Preview”.*

Not long after the show was aired, Previn later recalled that, while he was conducting an orchestra performing the ‘Piano Concerto’, he had to stop them playing as people in the crowd were interrupting the performance, trying to hold back fits of laughter! He had to wait for the people to calm down before he could start the performance.

* quoted from The Morecambe and Wise Show/ Andre Previn sketch

Isn’t it a pleasure to see a legendary classic comedy act doing their take on a legendary classic movie scene? Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise were the masters of this genre.

They were the undisputed kings of sketch show comedy in the late 60’s and early 70’s and had a career in show business that lasted for over 40 years, until Eric passed away in 1984. The pair had a prime time TV slot on BBC 1 under the name of ‘The Morecambe and Wise Show’, which ran from 1968 to 1978.

It was here the duo performed their skit on the memorable scene from ‘Singin’ in the Rain’ with Gene Kelly. Ernie was performing the role of Gene and Eric was playing the policeman. The set was a carbon copy of the movie, except for the fact that there was no rain whatsoever!

Ernie starts moving through the dance moves from the song, skipping along the curb of the street and swinging off the lamp post. Eric looks as if he is a bit confused by the song lyrics, as well as the fact that there isn’t a drop of rain falling from the sky!

As the dance routine continues, Eric has a bewildered expression on his face, as he wonders where the rain is going to come from. But, unfortunately, he is standing underneath a broken pipe which starts gushing water right down on top of him!

He moves down the street and takes his hat off to stretch his head in confusion – not realising he’s underneath another broken water pipe!

Ernie, in full flow and not paying any attention to the policeman’s soaking, begins to side step down the street, so Eric decides that it would be a good idea to follow, seeing as the water seems to be avoiding him! To his error he doesn’t leave the inside of the sidewalk and promptly gets hit from above by a woman with a bucket of water.

After hiding underneath a shop canopy Ernie brushes the cover with his umbrella handle, knocking the collected water on top of Eric!

Eric runs up to Ernie; “See what you’ve done to me. I’m wet through!”*

He’s had enough by this stage and conveniently there is a large pig trough filled to the brim with water at the end of the street. Ernie hands him is umbrella and he steps into the water, lies back and relaxes.

It was rumoured at the time that the sketch was shown to Gene Kelly himself, and although Ernie wasn’t quite the dancer he was, he apparently loved it.

The ‘Singin’ in the Rain’ sketch is a great example of Morecambe and Wise’s heavily orchestrated sketch routines. Their skits were perfectly choreographed, with every gag and punch line delivered with astounding comic timing – all set to the beat and lyrics of the music.

Eric and Ernie also never relied on bad language or strong sexual references to get a laugh from the audience. All their shows were fit for family viewing.

* quoted from The Morecambe and Wise Show/ Singin’ in the Rain sketch

“That’s you that is!” was the catchphrase that swept across the UK when “The Mary Whitehouse Experience” came onto TV screens – via BBC2 at the beginning of the 90’s. The programme’s second series saw the introduction of ‘History Today’.

The sketch starred comedians, David Baddiel and Rob Newman, as two old university professors, discussing important developments throughout world history. With a pleasing and prudent intro of classical music, the pair were seated formally at a table.

The two elderly professors, both highly well spoken, with their slightly greying hair and trimmed and fitted three piece suits, are poised to begin their intellectual debates on the show’s chosen topic:

Baddiel – “Welcome to History Today. With me, in the chair today, is Professor

F.J. Lewis, Emeritus Professor of History at All Souls College, Oxford. And we will be talking about British History from 1931 to 1937, the austerity years, and principally, the effect that rationing had on changes in Government at that time. Professor Lewis, I wonder what you consider the nexus of cause and effect to be here?”

Newman – “Do you see that… Eddie ‘The Eagle Edwards?”

Baddiel (now with a puzzled look on his face) – “Yes”

Newman – “That’s you that is!”

The sketch continues with the two professors going completely out of character and they see how far they can push each other, with such insults as, “Peter Beardsley. That’s your Girlfriend that is!”

The two pull out all the stops, throwing pathetic abuse at each other like a pair of teenage school boys, such as being in love with an old woman in the crowd.

Professor Lewis reaches the brink by bringing ‘mothers’ into the ‘intellectual’ conversation:

Newman – “I saw your mum coming out of the VD clinic.”

Baddiel – “I’d like to say that, anyone with AIDS, that’s you that is. That’s your girlfriend. And your mum. And your Dad.” You know like…a pair of pants with some ‘cack’ in it? That’s you that is!”

Newman – “Well I didn’t come on this program to be insulted. Goodnight!”

What keeps this relatively repetitive sketch going is the manner in which the two comedians deliver the obnoxiously immature lines – with a dry, almost nonchalant monotone accent. The type you could only find in a dusty lecture hall at one of Britain’s ‘respected’ educational institutions.

After ‘The Mary Whitehouse Experience’ went off the air, Baddiel and Newman, realising the huge popularity of the two characters, continued to perform the sketch on their own TV show, ‘Baddiel and Skinner in Pieces’. They now had Baddiel’s character apologise at the start of the skit for ‘diverging’ off the topic on the previous show!

The ‘History Today’ sketch was also performed at their live shows, but unfortunately, Baddiel and Newman’s huge success became too big for their partnership to handle.

After their massive tour across the UK, (they were the first act to sell out the 12,000 seater Wembley Arena) the pair split and went their separate ways and, judging from reports of the state of their relationship at that time, there is very little chance of a reunion!

* quoted from The Mary Whitehouse Experience/ History Today sketch

“Out with a lady last night sir? Did she want it sir? Did she?”*

“Oh! Suit you sir!”*

What better way to be introduced to the two most sly, sneaky, and slightly perverted sales people out there, than to pay a visit to your local tailor. Ken and Kenneth, the two button-pushing suit fitters from the Fast Show’s crack team of comedy writers, have now been impaled on the minds of all their viewers, with their phrase “Suits you” now being synonymous with the pair. In fact, the phrase has become so well known from the sketch, that it is now a chain of Menswear stores in the UK (a slightly tongue-in-cheek nod to the show).

The typical build up of their real underlying motives is what makes this sketch so great. A man walks into a store, be it a customer of the highest social regards and stature, a man accompanied by his housekeeping, innocently unsuspecting wife or perhaps a well known celebrity (all Fast Show fans will remember the one with a certain Johnny Depp). Ken and Kenneth portray themselves to have the sort of professionalism that is cut from the cloth of Saville Row; hands behind their backs, waiting expectantly to serve the customer. Of course, with absolutely no intention in doing so.

Ken – ”Good Morning Sir, and how are we today sir?”*

Customer – “Fine and how are you?”*

Ken – “Radiant, sir. Radiant!”*

Like all great Fast Show sketches, the same theme runs again and again, with different characters we know from all walks of life being subjected to their sex-obsessed interrogations.

A true English Gentleman enters the establishment:

English Gent -“I am looking for a suit. Not too formal not too casual. Lightweight, not too flimsy. A neutral colour, but not too dull.”*

Ken – “Oh! You know your own mind don’t you sir?”*

“A suit sir? Is that all you’re after sir? Have you ever thought about going at it full pellet with a tranny sir?”*

Or from another scenario;

Ken – “Are you looking for a new suit sir?”*

Customer – “Why, yes. I am starting a new job in fact.”*

Ken – “Will you have a secretary sir? Will you be giving it to her sir? Oh!”*

For the last ever episode of the Fast Show, long time fan and great admirer of Paul Whitehouse, Johnny Depp made a quick cameo appearance – adorned with American cowboy hats and boots – looking for “something in a very traditional suit.”*

Kenneth – “Are you by any chance an American sir? Been here long sir?”*

Depp replies sheepishly “Eh…. a couple of days.”*

“BANGED anyone yet sir?”*

Depp – “I just eh… ”*

Kenneth – “ ‘cos you don’t hang around normally do you sir? I remember in the War you yanks were in like a shot. Didn’t do any actual fighting, you were a couple of years too late for that sir.”*

Paul Whitehouse and Mark Williams are the writers in the team behind Ken and Kenneth, and they carry these two characters superbly. It’s their comic timing that makes the line “Suit you. Sir!” never seem to get old fashioned. With their slick, combed hair and measuring tape dangling around their prim shoulders, ever at the ready to measure the inside length of the next leg to walk through the door.

* quoted from The Fast Show/ Suit You sketch

Easily the most famous character duo from the Fast Show’s repertoire, The Ted and Ralph series of sketches almost rose to become a sort of mini drama for loyal fans towards the end of the show’s run. The two characters were creations of the writing pair of Hugh Linehan and Arthur Mathews and the sketch is taken from the usual Fast Show premise of combining strange characters with equally strange circumstances.

The heir to his father’s land in the country, Ralph is a modest and shy aristocrat, who strives to see the positive side in everything, and aims to be as polite as possible to his lower class gardener and maintenance man, Ted.

Ralph lives alone in his mansion, without a wife or children, and there are some doubts as to the nature of his sexuality. Ted has been the caretaker for the estate for as long as Ralph can remember, being previously employed by Ralph’s harsh parents. He is an elderly man who leads a simple life that involves occasionally drinking with his friends in the village pub and going home for tea to ‘‘Mrs. Ted”. There is an underlying theme running throughout each sketch that hints that Ralph has strong feelings for Ted, but is too shy and reserved to express them.

One particularly famous sketch goes as follows; Ted is painting the post of a fence.

Ralph – “Good morning Ted! I see… eh… you painted the gate?”*

Ted – “A fox got in with a chicken sir.”*

Ralph – “Ah. Yes…… Are you… doing anything (gulp) on Friday Ted?”*

Ted – ‘Well eh, there’s plenty to do down in the lower field sir. What with the drainage problems.”*

Ralph – “Eh n-n…no, you miss understand me Ted I did mean… in the evening. It’s just that I have a (cough!) couple of tickets for Tina Turner.”*

Ted – “Oh right sir.”*

Ralph – “Do you like Tina Turner, Ted?”*

Ted – “Well…. I wouldn’t know about that sir.”*

As Ralph walks away, Ted begins whistling Tina Turner’s “River Deep, Mountain High”.

Another famous sketch begins with Ralph lost in a daydream when he sees Ted slowly moving through the sun-drenched fields, beating the tall grass of the meadow with his stick, set to a romantic classical piece. Ralph is out hunting with an associate of gentlemanly stature, who treats Ted like a low-life farmhand. Noticing his accent he comments on his Irish heritage – “Oh be gorrah, he’s a bloody bogtrotter!”* He continues to insult Ted to the point where Ralph jumps completely out of character, screaming “LEAVE HIM ALONE! LEAVE HIM ALONE!”* as he does his flimsy best to violently attack the man.

The popularity of Ted and Ralph was so big that they were the first Fast Show characters to appear outside the programme, when they starred in their own made-for-TV film for the BBC in 1998. The main plot in the film follows Ted trying to save Ralph from an arranged marriage as well as trying to save the estate from being passed on into the hands of his future wife.

* quoted from The Fast Show/ Ted and Ralph